rrTr   the unofficial hull kingston rovers webzine           

EDDIE

PALACE

 All aboard Eddies Express to Cas          

I was that excited to be whisking the boys off to Cas', that I even put some petrol in the tank and blew up the tyres!!
 
The Limo was ready - back seats were up, the CDs were selected and most importantly of all, the bottle top opener was alongside the case of beer!
 
I'd been waiting for this day for a long time, since Friday at least! I knew the boys would be apprehensive, so to calm their nerves I did an introduction sheet so we'd all know who was in the hearse. Of Course, in the front were the two Eddies (Palace and Irvine), middle row we had Senor Kingo and Uncle FET, and smooching on the back row were Fred West and Sid the Sexist! I have to tell you, since RU professed to wanting to be a serial killer it is very off-putting to see him in my rear view mirror salavating like Hannibal Lector whenever I caught his eye!!
 
Finally, I thought, this was the day I had been waiting for all my life - I could now enter 'Whacky Racers' and have a fair chance of winning!
 
So, the boys were safely loaded onboard and off we set. Being a young and trendy type the first CD on offer was the 'Ministry of Sound' electronic 80s which stayed on until the Twickers International kicked off at 4-00. I thought at one point that I was listening to the Grand National as Tommy Bowe chased down the track, but apparently that is an Irish rugby player's real name, how odd!!
 
Anyway, as soon as the Paddy's scored I binned that and returned to the theme of young and trendy on the CD front - 'Best of Dean Martin'!! Classic stuff.
 
All too quickly we hit Cas' and after finding a safe place to park FET and Kingo decided to look over the latest offers in the local Carpet shop!!

AH, different kind of Rug is needed by these two I realised!!
 
Anyway, to the ale house for a quick slurp and then across the road to meet up with Ticketmaster and Shirts, who had travelled there in Crap Cabs! By the way Gav, did you want the train times to Leeds direct or change at Selby? 
                                                                                                              
My god, it was time to make our way to the ground already, but before we could get out of the grounds of the pub, FET couldn't resist auditioning for the next PG Tips advert along with Kingo!! I have to say, it isn't the first time I've seen FET with a spare tyre!
 
Into the ground and I couldn't believe my nasal passages, the waft of some culinary delight met me full on! Was James Martin in the ground? No, silly me - it was just the bloody Burger Bar again, and us athletic rugby fans just can't resist can we! Face fed, we moved behind the sticks that Rovers were attacking in order to cheer the boys on but unfortunately, for the first 10 minutes or so our voices didn't manage to carry the 92 metres to where they were actually stood!! Oh dear, we were 10-0 down and looking out of sorts again, another Wigan I thought.
 
But then, like a Rapier missile, Scotty produced a 40 - 20 of God like proportions from which he then forced his way over for a try - would this clinch him the coveted Eddie P Man of the Match? Wait and see - because before much longer we were in front, as Dobbo latched onto a perfectly weighted (as described by Sid) grubber to touch down under our sticks! I was in heaven, and duly ran to the Gents to celebrate, in some style I might add! 
 
The hooter blew as we attacked their line and being in West Yorkshire, we knew that the whole of the town of Castleford would make their way to our end of the ground! We pulled a sly one and went against the tide, ending up behind the sticks at the other end, but this time with a roof!
 
A pulsating 2nd hafe ensued, when again we conceded 10 unanswered points, going behind 12-20. But, just as all seemed lost we conjured up a try out of nothing as Kris kindly dived over the ball to allow Ben to score, and with Dobbo's precise kick we were back in it at 18-20. It was thrilling stuff, even the Cas' fans interrupted their beer drinking to shout abuse at anyone in a Rovers shirt - on or off the pitch!!
 
It would come down to one magical moment of inspiration as to who would take the spoils!
 
6 minutes on the clock and Dobbo puts through a little grubber, it comes back off a Cas' leg towards the on-rushing Liam Watts, who bends his back and picks it up before diving majestically over the line to score the winning try - is how it should have read!! In reality, Liam drops the ball, but with tremendous hand to eye co-ordination he managed to get a hand back on the ball just as it drops to terra ferma, I was gutted! You see, I was convinced (along with every Cas' fan around me) that young Watts had infact knocked on. But, what was this, Bentham has gone to the video ref! I can't believe it I thought, the more I watch the replays, the more it looks like a try! Hey Hey, it was a try! And how I laughed as it was awarded!
 
Unfortunately, for the assembled throngs of Pauline Calf look-a-likes around us, it wasn't such a laughing matter! Cries of "Cheating, Scum, Bar-Stewards" and "You lot have never seen a rugby pitch between you" led me to believe that they hadn't taken the decision well! FET asking the ladies if they had permission to leave their kitchens didn't enhance the feelings of warmth towards us!
 
Finally, for one old-timer stood behind us, 60 years of frustration about referees decisions became too much, and he asked Kingo how much we had paid the bent Bar Steward for the match? "Well", said Kingo quick as a flash, "I live next door and washed his car this morning"! That was it, the old guy ran off shouting "I knew it, they've been bent since 1948!"
 
To the victors the spoils, as they say and to show we have no hard feelings towards the Pauline triplets, FET offered a cordial invitation to Craven Park for the return fixture!!
 
Back to the ale house to allow the traffic to calm down, and I overheard the chaps talking about the barman in the pub and how he used to be a rugby player, and a decent one at that! "Who is he", I enquired? Apparently, he comes from Cas' and used to play for them and the black and whites too. He was a forward who could kick goals - got it. I always know a face I thought, it's Sammy (outside toilet) Llyod! I often wondered what he looked like under that dodgy perm!
 
"NO", said Kingo, "Look again". "It's that famous name family from Hull - Crooks". Too right, I thought - a pound for a small tube of Pringles - bloody criminal! I stared for a while, then suddenly realised who it was. "It's Les" I said, "Les Crooks, the famous barman!" I was so thrilled to see Les that I managed to persuade him to stop pulling a shandy to have his photo taken with us!

  
Back to the hearse to finish off a memorable evening with a jovial trip home - "EDDIE", I hear you cry - "Who won the MOM?"
 
Well, for his match winning try and overall splendid performance - this week it goes to young Liam Watts. And to just confirm this, we had The Jam blasting out on the M62 with "Wish I could be like Liam Watts - ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba"!!
 
Eddie's Express will re-convene later in the season - if you fancy joining us just drop us a line at

Judith.Chalmers@toomuchmakeup.co.uk
 
 
Can't wait for Sunday - bring on those Saints.
 
Rally Round - Edwardo x


         

Have we scored yet?
 
No honestly, I don't think we would have scored a try if we had played all week!! We were firing more blanks than the Vasectomy Club of Great Britain!! One of the Golden Girls rather aptly stated I should write up the 'Pillock of the Week'!! Although she was wittering on about her arthritis and her audition as a stuntman by leaping off ladders!
 
Any positives?
Well, FC lost.... and, Billy Joel Clinton appeared singing 'Fartown Girl' in the Parker Lounge! But in the main we were crap!
 
I knew the omens were not good when Rovers ran out onto the pitch and the mascot refused to run out onto the pitch with them! He obviously knew what was coming.
 
I don't think I'm gonna go again! In protest, I have torn up Mrs Eddie's season pass to Cholmley Street Club so she will have to find her fun elsewhere. I was gonna tear up my season pass, but seeing as though it is now like a credit card I couldn't manage it and only finished up ripping my finger nail in half!
 
And what the hell is that car park like? Eddie Junior was quizzing me today about how many wild boar had I trapped due to the state of the Palace wagon. I had to tell him that I've only managed to bag one bore in the past and if he wanted to see it, she gives him his brekkie every morning!!
 
As I'm due to drive to Cas' on Saturday night with the boys filling out the Palace Limo, I will have to give it the once over before setting off. "Petrol", check. "Tyres", check. "Beer and Pasties", check. We would have had the famous Ali G quiche, but the wimp has dipped out (couldn't face cooking us a monster!)
 
"C'mon" I hear you ask - who the heck is this weeks Eddie P MOM. OK, I can't keep you waiting any longer.
 
It is..................... OH sod it, Tommo (for deciding not to bother going)!!!
I can't think of a player who stood out on the pitch, it wasn't a lack of effort - just a basic lack of ability to master the conditions and the opposition!
 
As my old mucker Windsor Davies would say "Oh dear, how sad, never mind"!!
 
So, to Cas' then! I'm really looking forward to it (am I mad?) Just watch out for a large hearse with a Golden Trilby on the roof!
The idiot driving is me.
 
COME ON YOU REDS, COME ON YOU REDS!!
Lets raise the roof and show the boys we care - RALLY ROUND.
 
Eddie x   


 

 

WIGAN away  

So the afternoon was booked off work, I braved the number 32 chav wagon into town, downed a whale and chips with the chaps in Stanleys and washed it down with a pint in Whittington and Cat! What a great start to what promised to be a great night in Wigan, cheering the boys onto another famous win. Mmmmmmmm!
 
We jumped in the Sandy Mobile outside Smiff and Neffew and headed off into the setting sun fully armed with a bottle top opener and a few Stellas. Soon passing the Adge armada on the M62 it was great to see Adge giving the faithful a rendition of his Bernard Manning tribute act! The inevitable road works and smashed cars meant it was the best part of 3 hours getting across the pennines!
 
Sandy, the erstwhile rally driver, apparently knows the fitness conditioner at the Warriors and so instead of Tom Tom we had Topsy Topsy!! "Go through Black Rod" he told Sandy "It's easy from there"!! I know where this Black Rod is gonna get inserted the next time I meet Topsy, we were LOST! Eddie Irvine (Sandy), reckoned he knew exactly where we were going as he had come the same way last year, must have got lost last year too then I thought!!
 
Streaking through the back streets of Chorley with litter flying from the back wheels of the Ford Granada, I felt like I was in a scene from the Sweeney - especially when FET played the theme tune on his mobile. It was thrilling stuff, and after only 20 minutes of complaining that there were no signs in Lancashire we found ourselves - back on the same street in Chorley! I disagreed with Sandy about the lack of signs and gave him a few of my own!
 
To cool down the red hot atmosphere inside the Sweeney Cab I thought of a question from the top of my head - "If you could be anyone in the world from 1st January 1980 to now, who would you be?" Lee obviously picked Eddie Irvine! I plumped for Simon LeBon (celeb lifestyle, wakes up with Yasmin, get my drift?), FET went for John Lennon for 11 months but RU took home the prize as he went for Fred West!!! I won't be going round to help him lay a new patio!
 
Anyway, we finally found the Dennis Waterman (DW) stadium and safely parked up next to the canal, which I added a few litres too - phew!!!


 
We ensconsed ourselves in the Main Stand, via the hospitality lounge and a swift couple, eagerly awaiting a close humdinger of a contest. But what was this? Wigan actually came out fired up and looking like a decent team, that wasn't supposed to happen (and usually didn't)! After ten minutes we were 10 - 0 down and looking like a shellshocked team, it needed some drastic action and so Rovers sent on 57 trainers in high vis vests to try and disrupt their rhythm, and it worked a treat!! By HT, we were back in it at 10 - 6 and probably should have been in front!
 
Back to the lounge for another cuppa(!) and FET zeroed in on Steve Hampson for a quick snap. In his day Steve was a quality full-back who was probably only behind George and myself!! I'll talk you through that afternoon in Pocklington for Ionians Ramblers one day!
 

 


A quick chat with Paul Lakin in which we all agreed that Rovers could take this game and it was time to re-take our seats.
It is probably best that the next 40 minutes are forgotten as the lads failed to get going and coughed up some pretty poor mistakes throughout. Wigan are a good outfit but I think we made them look a tad better than they actually are.
 
For a MOM this week it is a bit of a struggle! Shaun was playing well until injury forced him off and Wolfie ran with his usual whole-heartedness, but I'm going with Micky Vella as he tried to take the game to the Wigan forwards. Lets hope we can pick ourselves up for the Hudds game next Sunday.
 
I really do hope we beat them as let's face it, they aren't our favourite opposition are they?
 
Until we meet at the Theatre of Dreams on Sunday - keep Rallying Round.
 
Eddie x  

SALFORD home

Charging out of the house at twenty to three on dear old trigger isn't much fun when it is cold and damp and you've just played footy for 90 minutes out in the sticks!! But, that's what the life of an athlete is like for Eddie P! Anybody who witnessed my Lance Armstrong like tour de Marfleet Lane will surely have been aghast to see me setting off all the "slow down" flashing signs as I cycled to the Theatre of Dreams. Alas, I was still too late to see Olly perform!
 
It wasn't all bad news though, dear old Clivvy had brought his ration books from the Crimean War which included photographs of him in the first known ad for Matchdating.com! It certainly had the Golden Girls on their toes for the whole afternoon (or was that just a nervous reaction?) Anyway, all that was missing from the Johnny Weismuller snaps was a hairy chimp - thankfully, Gav was there to take up the mantle!
 
What a great attendance for such an awful day against mediocre opposition too? Surely, they can't all have been there just to see Olly and his amazing talent (Mrs Eddie voted on X Factor every week for him - and Lee, and the other more talented one who got booted off before the final!) I did point out to her, in between bouts of flatulance, that voting for all of the contestants was really a meaningless exercise! I never did hear her responses properly due to the bar billiard cue being bounced off my head by her and the Eddie Juniors, they look so cute when they copy their mother!!
 
Anyway, to the inaugural Eddie P MOM for 2010. Was it Wolfie for his early brace? Was it Dobbo for his immaculate kicking and breakaway try? Was it Olly for his immaculate kicking at HT or Clivvy for his leopard skin trunks?
 
NO - I cry, the first Edwardo of the new season goes to Cookie of the Paul variety, now that we have two of 'em. Superb passes for the first two tries, running with the ball, tackling his heart out and the odd up N' under thrown in as well! The kid was superb, no matter what Larry Mullen Jnr wrote in the local rag (bloody Irish drummers - what do they know about RL anyway!)
 
Keep it up young man and they'll be singing their hearts out up in Kelso tonight (dear old Bill, absent friend).
 
So, to Wigan on Friday night and I've booked my seat in the Sandy Mobile with Uncle Fet and RU. Me and Unc have the afternoon off to have an early shandy or two and a nice nosebag at Stanley's Brasserie me thinks. Can't wait, normally a good game and atmosphere there and I've won the first try-scorer on more than one occasion too!
 
Hope to see all the Robins there and in full voice as usual for what promises to be a cracker.
 
Rally Round - Eddie x   

EDDIES SEASON PREVIEW

 

That's easy" I said, "Carol Vorderman in a basque telling me I'm her big teddy bear"!! Not what Webmaster Kingo had in mind when he asked me for my hopes and dreams for 2010 apparently!!

 
Well anyway, he meant for the mighty Robins and I have a few I must say. I suppose if I'm honest, I'd love a trip to Wembley in August (even if it means missing my old mucker Boney's stag weekend in Newcastle!!)
Closely followed by another double over the 'old enemy' and any win over the Whinos would really go down a treat! Let's face it, 3 years in the sooper dooper league now and year on year we are getting better! I still pinch myself when I think where we have come from in the last 5 years. The Maestro's debut at a snowy Keighley in February 2005 really is only 5 years ago, in front of just over 1,000 hardy souls and to win by just a point!!! Crikey - what a renaissance!
 
I'm a glass half full man rather than half empty when it comes to Rovers (comes from watching years of mediocrity in the National Leagues) and so any recent doom and gloom headlines in the press I have taken with a pinch of salt. I fancy us to go well again this season with a few minor hiccups along the way no doubt - but why is it always against Harlequins at home?
 
I haven't bothered with any of the 'friendly' fixtures this year but to show how much of a sportsman I am, after the Derby game at the KFC I contacted the full FC squad and offered to buy every last man jack of them a beer. I waited nearly 2 hours in The Weir at Hessle and not one of 'em turned up!!!
 
Recently, Eddie Junior had to take anything Australian into pre-school with him to mark Australia Day, Mrs Eddie being rather original made him a boomerang but dear old dad was having none of that - I laminated a poster of Clintybaby in full kit for him to take in!!! Mrs Eddie wasn't happy and threatened to withdraw my daily Mackeson allowance if I sent it in!! Women, no sense of reality - or humour!!
 
Speaking of humour, I can't wait for the Easter weekend trip to London to see the Rovers v whatever this season that London team are called RL! We are already booked into Fawlty Towers and have the train tickets purchased, so it's just a case now of letting the BBC female TV presenters know we are on our way! On a serious note, could someone ensure that Al Noon warms his feet before crashing in bed between me and Uncle FET, I still have nightmares!! I bumped into Waldorf and Mrs Waldorf this afternoon on RODE, and he was buzzing about the trip already - apparently, he has heard that the pasties at The Stoop have had their prices frozen for the season!!
 
This Friday sees the start of the Tunnel Posse's pre season training, a few sprints in between pubs followed by a few sprints to the loo in between the courses in the Indian!! I do LOVE pre-season!!
 
So, to the big KO itself and Salford at home on Sunday - a potential banana skin, which having seen their coach probably comes from the amount of 'em he has trenched!! I do love having a go at the old pizza muncher, always reminds me of FET and me at the Ashes cricket test match a few years ago at Headingley. Sauntering round the boundary taking in the applause, the old pizza muncher raised his arm aloft to acknowledge the cry of "Only 1 team in Hull Shaun" "UP THE ROBINS!!!!" Halcyon days.
 
I'm booked in the LEE MOBILE for Wigan the week after too, so what a great start to the campaign is in store and I can't wait - to quote my good friend Arthur Ellis, "On my whistle - 3,2,1 ......."
 
Love to all Robins everywhere - EDWARDOx